Thursday, March 30, 2017

Today's Horror Choices 03/30/17 - MC Hammer, M.D.

You know what's scary, dear readers? Poor health. I've got aches and itches and acid reflux out the ass. I've been known to faint occasionally from pain or lack of oxygen, and to top it off I'm lazy and messy and addicted to everything that's bad for me. Any day could really be my last. People keep telling me I need to go see a doctor. I tell them they need to go see Dr. Giggles, especially today because it's National Doctors' Day.


If over a decade of horror fandom has taught me anything about life, it's that doctors are deeply disturbed individuals and not to be trusted for any reason. Why else would they be so obsessed with what's going on inside your body? I mean just look at this history: Dr. Heiter from The Human Centipede, Dr. Channard (take a shot every time I mention Hellraiser 2), Dr. Herbert West the Re-Animator, even the generally likeable Dr. Seth Brundle from The Fly had some wacky shit going on upstairs. And let's not forget, dentists are doctors too! I haven't seen 1996's The Dentist, but the trailer suggest that it's full of cheesy 90s melodrama and good god, look at that poster for the sequel.

Yeah, no, I'll just wait for the rot to reach my brain and kill me, thanks.

March 30th also marks the birthday of one MC Hammer (born 1962), which isn't particularly relevant to horror on its own until you realize that means it's literally Hammer Time. Hammer, for those of you under the age of 14, is a musty old British studio that remade all the Universal classic monsters and threw some red watercolor paint on Dracula's face because that was considered edgy and gory in the 60s and 70s. They were kind of the Platinum Dunes of their day, but many consider their movies to be superior to the original black and white versions since they were actually more in line with the novels and such that they were based on.

Not all of their releases were remakes, however. Of particular note today is The Lost Continent, staring fellow birthday girl Dana Gillespie (born 1949). The trailer says "Monster weed attack helpless beauties" and really, ya can't touch that.

Today is the Tenth Anniversary of Ghostly Revenge (2007), which looks very indie and potentially very lulzy. I know nothing about it except for what's in the official trailer, the description of which confirms that it was set to premiere at a festival on 03/30/07.

It's also the much less exciting 24th anniversary of the much better movie, Guillermo del Toro's first feature length film, Cronos (1993). It was an action-packed thriller with relatable characters that remains one of the most imaginative twists on the idea of vampirism.

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