Friday, March 31, 2017

Some Half-Assed Musings on Behind the Mask

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon was released at a time when I was only beginning to take an interest in horror. I first discovered it on DVD several years later and bought it for only $7. I was motivated primarily by the impressively shiny cardboard cover which featured a folding cover flap depicting the villain's creepy, melancholy and now iconic mask. The plastic DVD case inside depicted Leslie in his full costume, carrying his trademarked hand scythe and shrouded in an unnatural mist in front of his farmhouse. It looked dark and gritty and metal as fuck. Even the review snippet above the title which referred to the movie as a "comic gem" did little to change my preconception.

That sweet, sexy package.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Today's Horror Choices 03/30/17 - MC Hammer, M.D.

You know what's scary, dear readers? Poor health. I've got aches and itches and acid reflux out the ass. I've been known to faint occasionally from pain or lack of oxygen, and to top it off I'm lazy and messy and addicted to everything that's bad for me. Any day could really be my last. People keep telling me I need to go see a doctor. I tell them they need to go see Dr. Giggles, especially today because it's National Doctors' Day.


If over a decade of horror fandom has taught me anything about life, it's that doctors are deeply disturbed individuals and not to be trusted for any reason. Why else would they be so obsessed with what's going on inside your body? I mean just look at this history: Dr. Heiter from The Human Centipede, Dr. Channard (take a shot every time I mention Hellraiser 2), Dr. Herbert West the Re-Animator, even the generally likeable Dr. Seth Brundle from The Fly had some wacky shit going on upstairs. And let's not forget, dentists are doctors too! I haven't seen 1996's The Dentist, but the trailer suggest that it's full of cheesy 90s melodrama and good god, look at that poster for the sequel.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

{Video} New IT Trailer

I noticed something interesting about the teaser trailer for the upcoming remake of Stephen King's It this morning.

In all seriousness, it's hard to tell from a single scream but it sounds like we'll be hearing a significant departure from the gravelly delivery we're all so used to hearing from the great Tim Curry. With such strong memories of the miniseries, I feel like it's going to be hard to disregard the similarities and differences between the two versions and judge this new adaptation of the source material on its own merits. Even calling it a "remake" feels like a step in the wrong direction, but that's what the horror community seems to think it is. Personally, I never saw the original until I was an adult, and as such my nostalgia glasses aren't quite as tinted as those of the countless teenagers and young adults who blame Tim Curry for their crippling coulrophobia. I have always thought it was pretty corny. The protagonists try to be three-dimensional but fall short due to questionable acting and stylized cinematography. In this regard, I look forward to seeing a new approach. Of course, like many fans, I have some reservations about Pennywise. It's true, nobody can ever replace Tim Curry's Pennywise. But that's not what a remake does. It stands on its own. We will always have the 90s version to go back to. But now, we also have this fancy, slender, suplexing version as well.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Some Half-Assed Musings on Evil Dead 2

I've just watched Evil Dead 2 in celebration of its 30th anniversary, which is officially over as of the writing of this post. In lieu of a proper "journalistic" or "academic" exploration of the film's subtleties and whatnot, here's a handful of random thoughts that popped into my head while I was watching the movie.


Friday, March 10, 2017

Today's Horror Choices 03/10/17 - I Hate Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris falls asleep on Elm Street. He wakes up 5 minutes later wearing a fedora.

Okay, so I hate Chuck Norris jokes. They're not even funny. He's not even that cool. Or, like, is that the point? Is it supposed to be funny because he's so corny and lame? I don't know. To me, Chuck Norris will always be that boring Texas asshole who I had to sit through for the last 2-5 minutes of his show as I waited for Monday Night Raw to come on when I was a kid. Ya know. The show with the cool Texas asshole.

That said, today is Chuck Norris' birthday, which by extension makes it the International Day of Awesomeness. At first, I thought Chuck Norris had nothing to do with the horror genre, but a quick google search alerted me to the existence of a little-known slasher/thriller flick by the name of Silent Rage, in which Walker must take on the ultimate serial killer. I think one of them is a robot or something?

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Today's Horror Choices 03/09/17 - Pop It Like It's Corn

The second Thursday of March is considered Popcorn Lover's Day. Obviously, this reminds us that there is in fact a film named Popcorn from 1991 which seems to be about some kind of cursed movie theater or something. Taking this concept a step further, you could always track down the classic Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode titled "The Tale of the Midnight Madness" in which a pair of young teenagers attempt to save their failing movie theater by showing a special print of Nosferatu. The episode features... like... a shot of a character eating some popcorn....


Saturday, March 4, 2017

Today's Horror Choices 03/04/17 - Meat & Curtains

One of the biggest struggles for me when writing this column is maintaining variation in the movies that I suggest. For whatever reason, there are just certain films and franchises that frequently force their way into day after day after day.

"Well, if I had known I weren't welcome here...."   :'(

One of these mainstays of sinister celebration is the trademark of professional bondage grandpa and personal hero of yours truly, Clive Barker. The second film in the Hellraiser series sees a power-hungry doctor carry out a series of bizarre experiments in order to unlock the secrets of the Lament Configuration.

This brings us to today's first notable observance, Holy Experiment Day. To be fair, "holy" might not be quite the appropriate term here. In the early Hellraiser canon it was heavily implied that the Cenobites saw themselves not as demons per se, but as clerics to a higher force that is beyond mortal concepts of good and evil. In any case, the Cenobites represent a religious force, which Dr. Channard seeks to explore through controlled and measured experimentation. I think that's fairly well aligned with the spirit of the day; to question and attempt to measure the power of spiritual beliefs.