Today's Horror Choices 03/10/17 - I Hate Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris falls asleep on Elm Street. He wakes up 5 minutes later wearing a fedora.

"...."

Okay, so I hate Chuck Norris jokes. They're not even funny. He's not even that cool. Or, like, is that the point? Is it supposed to be funny because he's so corny and lame? I don't know. To me, Chuck Norris will always be that boring Texas asshole who I had to sit through for the last 2-5 minutes of his show as I waited for Monday Night Raw to come on when I was a kid. Ya know. The show with the cool Texas asshole.

That said, today is Chuck Norris' birthday, which by extension makes it the International Day of Awesomeness. At first, I thought Chuck Norris had nothing to do with the horror genre, but a quick google search alerted me to the existence of a little-known slasher/thriller flick by the name of Silent Rage, in which Walker must take on the ultimate serial killer. I think one of them is a robot or something?

Today's Horror Choices 03/04/17 - Meat & Curtains

One of the biggest struggles for me when writing this column is maintaining variation in the movies that I suggest. For whatever reason, there are just certain films and franchises that frequently force their way into day after day after day.

"Well, if I had known I weren't welcome here...."   :'(

One of these mainstays of sinister celebration is the trademark of professional bondage grandpa and personal hero of yours truly, Clive Barker. The second film in the Hellraiser series sees a power-hungry doctor carry out a series of bizarre experiments in order to unlock the secrets of the Lament Configuration.

This brings us to today's first notable observance, Holy Experiment Day. To be fair, "holy" might not be quite the appropriate term here. In the early Hellraiser canon it was heavily implied that the Cenobites saw themselves not as demons per se, but as clerics to a higher force that is beyond mortal concepts of good and evil. In any case, the Cenobites represent a religious force, which Dr. Channard seeks to explore through controlled and measured experimentation. I think that's fairly well aligned with the spirit of the day; to question and attempt to measure the power of spiritual beliefs.

Today's Horror Choices 02/28/17 - Science Can Bite Me

National Science Day is upon us, which means it's time to study up on such classics as Re-Animator, a clear favorite in the Fear20 Taima channel. While the actual science involved may not be all that accurate, the driving force behind the plot is clearly one man's insatiable thirst for knowledge and understanding which drives him to do the unthinkable. In that regard, many Frankenstein films would also be appropriate, but there are about a hundred other holidays that will force me to bring up the big guy throughout the year. Instead let's turn our attention to other science-themed horror flicks, like Scanners or Dreamscape, in which our attempts to understand the capabilities of the human mind lead to all sorts of pseudo-magical shenanigans. Plus, who doesn't want to see that gross head prosthetic  again?

Yeah, that's the one. *shudders*

Today's Horror Choices 02/18/17 - It's So Wei'd

Today is John Travolta's birthday. He was in the original Carrie and the remake of Hairspray.

That's $5? You don't put pig's blood in it or nothin'?

That's literally it.

Today's Horror Choices 02/17/17 - A Serbian Crab

I've been thinking about changing the name of this column to "Today's Horror, Curated". Let me know what you think in the comments, dear readers.

I value your opinion, just like Michael Bay