Holiday Horrors: October 29th, 2022

Today is 

• 🐏 Hug A Sheep Day 
• 🌐 International Internet Day 
• 🐈 National Cat Day 
• 👴🏻 National Hermit Day 
• 🥣 National Oatmeal Day 

October 28, 2022

Today is 

• 🔩 Frankenstein Friday 
•  ✏ International Animation Day 
• 🍫 National Chocolate Day 
• 🧸 Plush Animal Lover's Day 
• ⛪ Separation of Church and State Day 
• 🗽 Statue of Liberty Dedication Day 
• 🍓 Wild Foods Day 
• 🦝 World Lemur Day 

October 26, 2022

 Today is

•   🥩 Chicken Fried Steak Day
•   🚗 Horseless Carriage Day
•   🟣 Intersex Awareness Day
•   💨 Lung Health Day
•   🥁 National Day of the Deployed
•   🐎 National Mule Day
•   🎃 National Pumpkin Day
•   🌕 Worldwide Howl at the Moon Night

Today's Horror Choices 03/10/17 - I Hate Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris falls asleep on Elm Street. He wakes up 5 minutes later wearing a fedora.

"...."

Okay, so I hate Chuck Norris jokes. They're not even funny. He's not even that cool. Or, like, is that the point? Is it supposed to be funny because he's so corny and lame? I don't know. To me, Chuck Norris will always be that boring Texas asshole who I had to sit through for the last 2-5 minutes of his show as I waited for Monday Night Raw to come on when I was a kid. Ya know. The show with the cool Texas asshole.

That said, today is Chuck Norris' birthday, which by extension makes it the International Day of Awesomeness. At first, I thought Chuck Norris had nothing to do with the horror genre, but a quick google search alerted me to the existence of a little-known slasher/thriller flick by the name of Silent Rage, in which Walker must take on the ultimate serial killer. I think one of them is a robot or something?

Today's Horror Choices 03/09/17 - Pop It Like It's Corn

The second Thursday of March is considered Popcorn Lover's Day. Obviously, this reminds us that there is in fact a film named Popcorn from 1991 which seems to be about some kind of cursed movie theater or something. Taking this concept a step further, you could always track down the classic Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode titled "The Tale of the Midnight Madness" in which a pair of young teenagers attempt to save their failing movie theater by showing a special print of Nosferatu. The episode features... like... a shot of a character eating some popcorn....

Woooaaah....

Today's Horror Choices 03/04/17 - Meat & Curtains

One of the biggest struggles for me when writing this column is maintaining variation in the movies that I suggest. For whatever reason, there are just certain films and franchises that frequently force their way into day after day after day.

"Well, if I had known I weren't welcome here...."   :'(

One of these mainstays of sinister celebration is the trademark of professional bondage grandpa and personal hero of yours truly, Clive Barker. The second film in the Hellraiser series sees a power-hungry doctor carry out a series of bizarre experiments in order to unlock the secrets of the Lament Configuration.

This brings us to today's first notable observance, Holy Experiment Day. To be fair, "holy" might not be quite the appropriate term here. In the early Hellraiser canon it was heavily implied that the Cenobites saw themselves not as demons per se, but as clerics to a higher force that is beyond mortal concepts of good and evil. In any case, the Cenobites represent a religious force, which Dr. Channard seeks to explore through controlled and measured experimentation. I think that's fairly well aligned with the spirit of the day; to question and attempt to measure the power of spiritual beliefs.

Today's Horror Choices 02/28/17 - Science Can Bite Me

National Science Day is upon us, which means it's time to study up on such classics as Re-Animator, a clear favorite in the Fear20 Taima channel. While the actual science involved may not be all that accurate, the driving force behind the plot is clearly one man's insatiable thirst for knowledge and understanding which drives him to do the unthinkable. In that regard, many Frankenstein films would also be appropriate, but there are about a hundred other holidays that will force me to bring up the big guy throughout the year. Instead let's turn our attention to other science-themed horror flicks, like Scanners or Dreamscape, in which our attempts to understand the capabilities of the human mind lead to all sorts of pseudo-magical shenanigans. Plus, who doesn't want to see that gross head prosthetic  again?

Yeah, that's the one. *shudders*

Today's Horror Choices 02/27/17 - Stay Unwoke

Dear readers, it seems I've hit a bit of a snag this morning. You see, it's No Brainer Day, which almost certainly isn't an Illuminati smokescreen designed to slowly and subtly condition us into mindless slaves. In the spirit of not using my brain, I can't actually do much in the way of research or analysis, and instead I just have to go with the all-too-obvious topic of the day.

See? No brains required.

Today's Horror Choices 02/26/17 - Freaky Tales

Each year on February 26th, fun enthusiasts everywhere stock up on Purell and run to the nearest semi-abandoned lot for Carnival Day. While I have never seen Tod Browning's 1932 film simply titled Freaks, I did once subject myself to the 2007 Asylum remake known as Freakshow. I picked it up at a going out of business sale at my then-local Hollywood Video, drawn in by the promise that it was "BANNED IN 43 COUNTRIES". I'll give it to ya straight: it's not a good film. None of the characters are the slightest bit enjoyable to think about, not because of their deformities but because of their shitty attitudes and the less than breathtaking performances of the actors portraying them. It's barely even a horror movie right up until the last, I don't know, maybe 10 minutes. But man, what a 10 minutes. The final scene delivers on the gore the DVD case so eagerly teases. I remember that 17-year-old me found it rather hard to watch. Granted, the gore probably isn't as intense or as well done as it seemed to me at the time, and the laws of physics and biology certainly hold no sway in the director's head, but if you enjoy a good torture scene, maybe give it a glance.

It's debatable if Killer Klowns qualifies here, given that the Klowns were aliens whose technology simply happened to resemble carnival equipment, and whose existence has been theorized to be the very inspiration for the carnival tradition in that universe.

More watermarks than Crasher Wake's fanbase.

Today's Horror Choices 02/18/17 - It's So Wei'd

Today is John Travolta's birthday. He was in the original Carrie and the remake of Hairspray.

That's $5? You don't put pig's blood in it or nothin'?

That's literally it.

Today's Horror Choices 02/17/17 - A Serbian Crab

I've been thinking about changing the name of this column to "Today's Horror, Curated". Let me know what you think in the comments, dear readers.

I value your opinion, just like Michael Bay

Today's Horror Choices 09/16/16 - Just Draw a Mummy On My Ass

September 16th is Mexican Independence Day. While I was all ready to gush about Guillermo del Toro's spellbinding horror-fantasy Cronos, a Google search turned up a peculiar trend that I wasn't entirely aware of. I had heard of The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy, of course, because there's a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode about it. What I was not aware of was that the series also included "The Aztec Mummy" and "Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy". Also present in the google search results was a trailer for "Mil Mascaras vs. The Aztec Mummy". I haven't seen any of these movies, but I think I will be checking at least one of them out today.

God damn it Jose, how do you even make salsa this hot!?

Today's Horror Choices 09/15/16 - Cyberbully Dee Snider

September 15th is known to some as Google.com Day in honor of the establishment of the world's most iconic domain name. In honor of this, why don't we ask Google for a horror movie to watch today.

Uh... yeah... thanks, Google...

Okay, so let's refine our search a little. Entering "Internet Horror Movies" yields a list of sixteen--- WAIT WHAT THE FUCK THERE'S A LAWNMOWER MAN 2? And it's about...

Today's Horror Choices 09/14/16 - I Refuse to Talk About Jurassic Park Again

September 14th is the birthday of none other than the dinosaur-taming, black hole-exploring, New York Times best-selling Antichrist himself, Sam Neil. Of course I will always remember him first and foremost as Damien in The Omen III: The Final Conflict, wherein he delivers a monologue that could turn the purest soul to ash. Watch it ironically today on The Exaltation of the Holy Cross. There's also certainly something to be said for what may be one of the most popular and entertaining "Lovecraftian" films ever produced, In the Mouth of Madness. I remember buying it on DVD with one of my first every paychecks as a teenager and being bored to tears at first, only to be blown away by the visual flourish in the latter part of the movie. Yesterday was supposed to be "Uncle Sam Day," but I think someone made a typo because this is clearly the Uncle Sam I'm here to celebrate.

I guess I'm not the only one with wood right now.

Today's Horror Choices 09/13/16 - "Sexy 'Do, Where Are You?"

September 13th is Bald is Beautiful Day. This could be a good opportunity to take in a Hitchcock marathon, or perhaps See No Evil or The Hills Have Eyes, or a nice Friday the 13th or Hellraiser in honor of their hairless antagonists. Come to think of it, Freddy Krueger is kinda bald too, and it just so happens to be the 25th anniversary of Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. If you prefer something a little more trippy, there's always Natural Born Killers, which features a nice head-shaving scene. Come to think of it, there are a lot of bald people in horror...

I SAID, "BALD. IS. BEAUTIFUL!"

Today's Horror Choices 06/17/16 - Stop in the Name of Science!

Good morning, horror fans! It's been a while since I've been around to dispense my invaluable wisdom and help you decide which horror movie you're gonna rent today! We have such an overabundance of birthdays and anniversaries that I'm not really sure how to tie it all together. I guess it starts with one Victor Frankenstein...

The 70s were a different time.

Today's Horror Choices 05/25/16 - Ripley From the Block

Unfortunately, I am unable to celebrate National Wine Day today, because I have no wine and I have to work in 2 hours. I will, however, be doing something for Geek Pride Day. This 10 year old holiday takes the inspiration for its May 25th spot from both Star Wars and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which have nothing to do with horror, but everything to do with outer space!

In space, no one can hear you squee.

Today's Horror Choices 05/24/16 - Driving Your Stupid Little Brother to the Mall

Growing up, I had a strained relationship with my brother, being that the only computer in the house was in his room and so I was always annoying him and invading his space. Nonetheless, he was relatively gracious about it, and he took care of me, begrudgingly driving me all around town and helping me when I got stuck in a video game. The last time I saw him was a few years ago at his wedding, and although I had a chance to re-establish contact, I regrettably put off sending that text until I forgot about it and lost his number.

I bring up this personal anecdote only because it's Brother's Day, a holiday invented by 7 year olds. Get together with your bro and watch movies with prominent or interesting brother characters, such as Jeepers Creepers, Oculus, A Serbian Film (if you consider that a horror movie) and of course, Basket Case.

"I don't care anymore, just please come get me. She never shuts up!"

Today's Horror Choices 05/23/16 - One Shiny Penny

Okay, let's get this out of the way right off the bat. Today is a one-two punch of Scatman Crothers' birthday AND the theatrical release date for the film horror fans know and love him from, The Shining. Go watch The Shining. Do it. Do it now. Sit down with your wife and kid, pour yourself a drink, and watch the fucking Shining.

I knew I bought this for a reason.

Today's Horror Choices 05/21/16 - Drowning In a River of Fireball

Today is World Whiskey Day, and the day before my birthday, so I'll be brief. Today's Horror Choices are as follows.

Journalism