Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Today's Horror Choices 05/25/16 - Ripley From the Block

Unfortunately, I am unable to celebrate National Wine Day today, because I have no wine and I have to work in 2 hours. I will, however, be doing something for Geek Pride Day. This 10 year old holiday takes the inspiration for its May 25th spot from both Star Wars and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which have nothing to do with horror, but everything to do with outer space!

In space, no one can hear you squee.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Today's Horror Choices 05/24/16 - Driving Your Stupid Little Brother to the Mall

Growing up, I had a strained relationship with my brother, being that the only computer in the house was in his room and so I was always annoying him and invading his space. Nonetheless, he was relatively gracious about it, and he took care of me, begrudgingly driving me all around town and helping me when I got stuck in a video game. The last time I saw him was a few years ago at his wedding, and although I had a chance to re-establish contact, I regrettably put off sending that text until I forgot about it and lost his number.

I bring up this personal anecdote only because it's Brother's Day, a holiday invented by 7 year olds. Get together with your bro and watch movies with prominent or interesting brother characters, such as Jeepers Creepers, Oculus, A Serbian Film (if you consider that a horror movie) and of course, Basket Case.

"I don't care anymore, just please come get me. She never shuts up!"

Monday, May 23, 2016

Today's Horror Choices 05/23/16 - One Shiny Penny

Okay, let's get this out of the way right off the bat. Today is a one-two punch of Scatman Crothers' birthday AND the theatrical release date for the film horror fans know and love him from, The Shining. Go watch The Shining. Do it. Do it now. Sit down with your wife and kid, pour yourself a drink, and watch the fucking Shining.

I knew I bought this for a reason.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Today's Horror Choices 05/20/16 - That Joke Killed At The Company Picnic....

I  stayed up all night partying last night, woke up at 3pm, and honestly I feel like a million bucks. I've got pizzas in the freezer, bud in my grinder, and a wolf-skin rug at my feet. All that's left to make this a perfect day is a good horror movie or two. But what does one watch on this Friday, May 20th, 2016?

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Today's Horror Choices 05/19/16 - Mad Scrawls

It's another dry day for obscure celebrations, but a gamer like me rarely shies away from a challenge. Today's Horror Choices are as follows.

The highlight of the day for most horror fans is the first annual National Notebook Day. What notebook in history or literature is more revered than The Necronomicon? Evil Dead II is a go-to for

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Today's Horror Choices 05/18/16 - The Abominable Dirty Dishes 3D

May 18th is a difficult day for writing this column, as there aren't many offbeat or humorous holidays to work with. Even the ones that I found were kind of... boring. So, some of these may be a bit of a stretch, but...

Today is National No Dirty Dishes Day. Celebrate in style by binge-watching the misadventures of the cleanest killer of all time, Dexter. I thought about Hannibal as well, being that he eats people and all, but I have only seen the movies and not the TV show, and he doesn't strike me as the type to use a lot of paper plates.
It's also National Visit Your Relatives Day. I was hesitant to use this holiday because I just highlighted the International Day of Families the other day. How can we make this selection different? Well, most of us would gladly watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre any day of the year. But how often to we take the time to remember Texas Chainsaw 3D?

No, c'mon, just hear me out....

Okay, so it's not the best Texas Chainsaw. It's not even in the top 4. But it is appropriate to this day, as the main character travels from far away to meet the family she never knew she had. The movie itself is a dumpster, but one that might be worth diving through if only once a year, just to remind yourself what went wrong - and what went surprisingly right. Another option would be Psycho, in which a woman visits her sister's new home without even knowing it.

Finally, today is the 45th anniversary of The Abominable Dr. Phibes. Take this golden opportunity to finally watch the movie along with its sequel, Dr. Phibes Rides Again. I haven't seen either, and sadly I have to work today, but this will definitely been on my post-midnight schedule.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Today's Horror Choices 05/17/16 - Just a Big Ass Closet Full of Pie Tins

Sorry I'm late with today's article. It's National Cherry Cobbler Day, and I couldn't put down my fork long enough to type anything until now. Once again, baked goods bring up Full Moon Entertainment's 2005 cheesecake classic, The Gingerdead Man. Aside from that, I think it's necessary to go a little abstract for this one. Rather than focus on cobbler itself, why not turn our attention to those gore-fests whose less fortunate characters end up looking like cherry cobbler, such as Street Trash, Dead Alive and... uh...

I tried, guys. Really.
Today is also National Pack Rat Day. This opens up a huge array of options. Any movie about a character who takes trophies will do; Predator 2, Silence of the Lambs, The Loved Ones, House of 1,000 Corpses or Wrestlemaniac will all make fine celebrations of those hoarding tendencies we all secretly have.

Also celebrated on May 17th is the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia, so do yourself a favor and check out Kevin Smith's Red State. It's not as bad as people say and it kinda makes you think. Plus it has a fantastic cast.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Today's Horror Choices 05/16/16 - Well this is just uncomfortable....

Today is Love a Tree Day. Celebrate this concept in the extreme with Evil Dead (1981) and to a lesser extent, May (2002). You get bonus points just for watching May in May. I have heard that trees play a major role in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening as well, but I have not seen it.

Today is also World Baking Day. We know this is supposed to be about cakes & shit, but that only really yeilds The Gingerdead Man and maybe that Father's Day segment of Creepshow. Luckily, Gingerdead Man eventually crossed over into the Evil Bong franchise, which parlays nicely into the kind of baking we prefer. Frost your brain with some sweet hashish and strap into your couch for Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong, Pot Zombies, Night of the Living Heads and Blood Freak. Let's get the world baked.

If you're brave, today is National Piercing Day. Do your self a favor and take the easy way out of this one with Return of the Living Dead. There's some gore there, but it's mostly light-hearted. If you're an action-horror fan, perhaps Ichi the Killer would be more your style. Also from Takashi Miike, Imprint features some body modification that will ensure you never look at a needle the same way again, and Grotesque goes deep with piercings in places that piercings should not be. Man, what's goin' on with Japan? Oh, right...

That's rough, guys.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Today's Horror Choices 05/15/16 - They Call Her "Big Mama"

Today is Dinosaur Day. If you're one of those people who doesn't consider Jurassic Park a horror movie... well, you're wrong. That said, if you prefer something a little schlockier, Roger Corman's Carnosaur trilogy is good clean fun, while 1990's A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell brings the boobs. If you're looking for something with a bit more pedigree, any Godzilla movie will do.

Absolutely Terrifying.

Today is also International Day of Families. Once again, there are a number of ways to come at this. There's no shortage of fascinating families in the horror genre. Obviously Texas Chainsaw Massacre comes to mind. Going along with the hillbilly subtheme, one could screen American Gothic, Mother's Day or People Under the Stairs. If you're in the mood for something more serious, try Last House on the Left or The Shining. On a more international note, there's The Loved Ones and Mum & Dad, both equal parts disturbing and darkly humorous. Let's not forget the delightfully lowbrow humor of Seed of Chucky and Head of the Family. Oh, and speaking of guilty pleasures, there's no family drama quite like Repo: The Genetic Opera.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Today's Horror Choices 05/14/16 - Caves & Cocks

Today is Underground America Day. This one's a no-brainer. Check out The Hills Have Eyes, The Descent or Leprechaun 2. Maybe C.H.U.D. or Tremors? Dunno, never seen 'em.

Today is also American Indian Day. Is it racist that this makes me want to watch The Manitou? God damn, that movie was good. All the cheese and testosterone you could want out of an 80s monster movie with none of the trashy undertones that turned some people off from the genre.

Trust me, guys. All class.
Last but certainly not least, today is Dance Like a Chicken Day. I think you know where this is going.

{Video} SCP-1944: Ascension Burger

Ascend to the skies, and let your wings burn away.

{Video} Evil Bong High-5 Review

As a long-time fan of Full Moon Entertainment, I had high hopes for Evil Bong High-5, the latest offering from the company that brought me such joys as Puppet Master: Axis of Evil and The Gingerdead Man. While I feel like I came off as a little harsh in my video, I just miss the dank-ass writing that brought me down the Full Moon rabit hole in the first place. Here's hoping that Puppet Master: Axis Termination is--- Wait, what? "Littlest Reich"?